I am full yet Empty !

It's that feeling of hurting the inside of your palm by holding the grip tight and clenching the fingers in your soft skin because you just don't want to let go. There's lot going within this palm grapple but from the outside you can never catch all that chaos! Today the grip is open and rest is history, history of last 2 months!

One idea pops in her head and without a drop of hesitation, she gets an army of people on board. The word "Dastak" flies from somewhere and makes an impact on 50 lives, a hard impact. Such that we forget food, clothing, shelter and Dastak becomes the basic need of our lives for 2 months. Its exhausting, tiring, stressful, sleepless at times but there isn't a single moment of doubt or regret. Most of us have our own share of this short but strong word "Passion" but I am amazed and awestruck to see a pool of 50 people coming together on this common ground! Being exposed to so many like-minded people is emotionally charging on some level.

Dastak, a Hindi Theater festival happened over the last weekend in Singapore...first of a kind in the lion city. Put together by many but owned by The Lady, Shalakaa Ranadive! For those who don't know her, this petite personality with immense talent has a long theater/television background but that is part of her profile. What i truly admired through the course of 2 months is her leadership quality, a role model for many leaders literally. Being associated so closely with the "leadership hoo-ha" in the corporate world, i can perfectly see all those must-have ingredients as an effective leader in her. The skill and art of not being bossy but a Leader, comes to her naturally. To watch her get together so many full-time working professionals to volunteer, execute impeccably and put themselves all out just for the sake of "Passion",  has been a beautiful journey.

Power doesn't come through a raised tone of voice, authority reflects through actions, through approach, through respect and she knows it just right when to pull the trigger. Her true love for theater, her honest effort to bring theater lovers into the lime light, her personal commitment well depicted by a complete transformation of her own house into a rehearsal studio, is just beyond words. And boy, what a family! A rock solid husband supporting her actions standing calmly in the midst of this systematic chaos and two beautiful angels with wide smiles on their faces showing so much pride for their mum! I can't appreciate all this enough! Dastak 2016, a grand success, a pot full of satisfaction, new friendships and theater love! I feel full yet empty as it comes to an end!

The day i moved to Singapore from US, i was sad for leaving that beautiful life behind but finally after 6 years, i know why i was destined to be here. And now, i suddenly want to stay, for good :)

My latest Love-Affair :)

His skin against mine triggers something from inside. I blow kisses like crazy even when his memory passes by. I didn't think i would fall head over heels...so hard...for the second time but i guess we have no control over love. It just happens and we have to float. Hey Husband, your wife is having an affair. She pleads guilty :( But this guy is kinda similar looking, i see a lot of resemblances. Maybe that's why i stumbled on this path for the second time and ended up loving someone so similar to you, in fact someone who carries your genes. Spot on! Its your son.

2 years ago, he didn't exist. 19 months ago, he was happily swimming inside me, so oblivious to this world. 10 months ago he discovered the fun of exploring the world on his feet and a few hours ago he held my finger and came walking to the bus stop. He was desperate to take a bus, A Bus, just any bus. Thank god he still needs me to tell him which bus to take. At this pace, he will just fly within no time.

Our first walk from the house to the bus stop is something i will remember forever. Its hardly 200 meters but by far the longest and heaviest! Longest because i didn't look at the road but only this small stature that was for the first time not sitting in the stroller and marching toe to heel along with his mum. Heaviest because i was strangled in so many emotions looking at his ability to just.... walk...walk freely on the road. If you are not a parent you probably wouldn't relate to this exaggerated feeling of amusement at an absolutely simple thing like...like...walking. Like how he comes running when i go home and takes my watch and puts it in the drawer, like how he grabs Mandar's dirty socks and puts it in the "lannii" (laundry), like how he has understood that languages can be different and lying down means Zop in Marathi and Higa in Filipino. How did he know that and when? And when exactly did he understand that mamma is ready to go to office-one day he just looked at me dressed up and said "waawww" and i was like omigosh! He just appreciated my dress! Wasn't he supposed to be a baby for some more time?

I am not even sure what i want to tell you through this. The more he understands, the more he communicates, the more he responds, the more he connects, the more he bonds stronger with me. His whole baby-thing going away makes me emotional but his ability to understand me makes me fall in love with him. The time seems to be shrinking and he is hell bent on exploring this world so bad....i just want to stay in one place and watch him, be part of his journey and explore more through his little eyes...Oh Ruhaan, I love you!

Kal ho na ho...

Center seat @ #18 :)

I cannot be counted among those travelers who queue up in the line as soon as the airline staff  announces "boarding has started". Obviously when you are the last one on a stingy-space-saver-domestic flight, you don't have an aisle seat and you are wearing a tight formal skirt, that center seat seems like a tough target.

At another level i am a prey to everyone's eyes who are seated well in advance and are kind of cross with the delay as if i am thwarting the plane from flying. I somehow manage to push this gigantic laptop bag that weighs more than the laptop itself to the center seat and boom - cons of traveling alone, "Can you take #18, my friend can move here if that's Ok". Goddamn! dude, its just a one hour flight, One. Freaking. Hour. I curse her in my head. Putting a fake smile on my face I act civilized enough in an only hope of an aisle seat @ #18, I get up, do the reverse journey to find out that its a center seat again, arghhh! This time its even worse. The aunty doesn't bother to get up, she simply pretends to move, lets me squeeze in and there is a sudden bitter realization that the butt has goto get slimmer if I wish to continue flying domestics.

I settle down and slide my phone in the seat pocket. This guy on my right helps me with my spectacles that i drop down and asks, "Are you flying to Nagpur" and there is another bitter sudden realization that the flight is actually en route Nagpur with a stop in Pune. Embarrassed with my messy self over the last couple of minutes & startled with my ignorance i smirk and say " No, Pune". And that is pretty much it. For the next hour, I question & answer and am astonished, electrified and filled with wonder to find out how much we actually have in common. Right from a Masters degree in US to our neighboring offices in Bangalore's industrial hub to the hotel which i usually stay in at a 5 mins walk from his house. Small world...sure a cliche but can't help!

The timing in thoughts is quite unique because thoughts come from your inner soul. It strikes when wavelengths match. The moment he tells me that he loves the charm of Europe even after residing in US for a couple of years, i make up my mind that this South-Indian (who looks like a North Indian btw) biker bloke with a great sense of humor, is for a keepsake.

Someone said..."Strangers are just friends that you haven't met yet" !! Take chances with strangers, you may not make friends but you will make memories for sure! I hope to ride his Royal-En-field one day but i gather that he is too much in love with it, i am not sure if he will risk it, only time will tell :P

I dream of painting and then i paint my dream...

Tik-tok-tik-tok, I walk over the uneven stony squares with my heels getting stuck in between the gaps of the surface but my anxious feet keep increasing the pace and run towards tower B1. I rush into the lift and my fingers run to the number 10 before my eyes even find it. I am conscious of this other person standing in front of me as I am quite drenched in sweat after all that rush. I look at him and quickly take my eyes off turning to the rapidly changing red digits on the display, 1 and 2 and 4 and 7 and 10, stop! I am almost at the edge of the lift, if this was a cliff, I would have fallen down as soon as the door opens. I step out to a windy corridor and a strong smell of fresh paint. If I didn’t know where I live or if I was blind folded, I would have simply followed this wave of smell surrendering myself to its newness. I stand at the door, look at 10-10 and scroll my hand over it like I would do for any of my loved one. With a full and long breath I open the door and the white color smells even stronger. The house is messy, Ruhaan finds his way through the unpacked boxes and comes running to me as he always does. His eyes are beaming with cheer and happiness or is it my eyes that have soaked so much satisfaction that everything seems happy and cheerful around?  I realize how extremely different it looks now then what we had seen on day 1. I also realize it resembles so closely to the vision we had of what it should look like. I assure myself that the roller coaster ride in the last month to get it into a completely new shape, color, look and feel has landed back safely. 

People refer to it as an investment, property, saving rent, practical decision blah blah. I refer to it as “a house...my house…our house”. I don’t know if a feeling of being able to hammer nails in any of the walls, paint windows in any color and not worry about the white kitchen spoiling by Indian masalas, is quite worth putting all your savings to buy a house in Singapore or not. I would rather restrain myself from finding any reasons and just enjoy this ultimate joy of being an owner of this cozy space which is designed, decorated, furnished, painted and brought to life with our own specific taste. And that’s why it belongs…so much… to us, not just because of some sign on a paper and transfer of title.

Post-dinner, we sit in the drawing room with very minimal lighting and the place is still glowing and shining in the dark. Like I said before, the glow is kind of lingering in our eyes probably. We don't talk much, just sit there holding hands, looking at each other and looking around, smelling the sweetest thing ever....the new paint.

Silence isn't empty, its full of answers!!!

While this limousine bus takes me to Shibuya, my hands are holding on to the book that I was reading minutes ago. I am wondering whether I should pull out a notebook to scribble! My fingers sometimes just itch, itch to document the moment, the feeling. I am laying my eyes over this dark night and trying to see as far as my gaze can reach through this big glass window. At times I am only able to see my own reflection and the guy sitting next to me. I try to brush off these reflections and keep finding out what’s on the other side of the window.

For once, this city looks quiet and peaceful. Someone landing here for the first time won’t even imagine that it’s only a few hours away from the peak hour madness. The mornings in Tokyo are very typically (overly) metro-city mornings. Black suits holding the bodies and white masks gripping tight on the faces. Black and white corporate crowd rushing through an extremely entangled network of subways and bullet trains with a focused march towards their work places. Yes, I repeat “focused March”, as if the only target at 8 am is to reach office without any distraction, like talking or smiling. That is how I will define a pure Jap, focused, meticulous and detailed in the minutest thing he or she does.

But “now” is different, its silent, steady, quiet, deep. I smile, my reflection smiles back at me but I am distracted by the lit up Tokyo. The lit up skyline with all these skyscrapers and lit up sky with the not-so-round-moon. The full moon stopped by just a few days ago, today it looks more like an ice-cream that you have just started to dig in. As the bus moves, it keeps giving different impressions of the same moon. The ice cream has rapidly turned into a head that is peaking from behind a black door, if it had eyes I could have claimed that they are looking at me from miles away. 

From flying so close to the clouds I am sitting in this bus to look at the same clouds again. They look equally beautiful but very different from above and below. I cannot choose which one I like the most but what I would like to believe is that there is some connection between us. Either they follow me wherever I go or I don’t let them ditch me. Looking more through them I realize that this sky is the only constant thing that looks original from any part of the world. The round piece that is part of the universe on which I am standing is either artificial or a bit contaminated with its human-version. But the sky, keeps it the same every night, holding on to the companions, partying in its own way with an ever-moonlit venue and star decorations :)

Goodnight sky and goodnight Tokyo!

I don't know how to experience without feeling too much and thinking too much!

I should just take up the one-month-blog-everyday challenge once again because i am in a mad writing phase currently. Whatever i have been feeling lately, big and small, i just want to pen it down. And this Monday morning definitely deserves a post because its been pouring and the weather is beautifully dull. I usually ask my alarm clock to buzz a tad bit earlier, just to smell dawn. To see a new day rising with orange clouds and to gift my ears with some mellow chirping of the birds. That's the only time when nature is louder than humans i guess.

Making my way to office today was quite unaffected by the Monday blues. Start to a new book, rainy winds or windy rains and a memory of a wonderful weekend lingering in the nerves... its only unlikely to not set your mood right for the week ahead. On this Saturday that just passed by, i opened my eyes early morning, not so much because of the clock screaming but due to the mini-thundering that i have to deal with almost every night. In other words you can call it my husband's snoring :P I simply turned my face to him (about to yell i guess) and saw him sleeping there, peacefully. And then you know how it goes...duhhh!!! Of course, my heart melted. To wake up next to a person you love so much is a blessing. With that thought i put the thundering out of sight, my feet stood up and made their way to the balcony, my arms helped to pull the two pieces of curtains apart and my eyes blinked in satisfaction. Another quiet-green-slow Saturday morning. I rushed back under the sheets, rolling closer to Mandy, shooting my glances at every tiny thing that i could see out of the window and may be there was a moment, just a moment when i wasn't thinking at all. I cannot be absolutely sure but i may have just made it, the state of being peaceful in the real sense.

This state is so hard to achieve and i truly believe that a combination of destiny & people in your life contribute to it. The re-run of my all time favorite movie "Pursuit Of Happiness" on Friday yet again pinched me. I have donated so many of my precious tears to Will Smith and his pursuit of happiness, you can't imagine. But every time i finish watching it, it gives a good tap on my back and reminds me, how lucky and blessed i am! Life can really be a struggle and happiness isn't distributed for free. You should deserve it, earn it and live it!

And to end this post on a musical note, this song from another movie that i watched over the weekend "Sultan". I just can't get this tune out of my vocal cords, it's literally stuckk somewhere in that dense brain network :)

What's the meaning of life? Don't ask, You define it :)

Only in the last post a few days ago, i mentioned about going trekking in the Himalayas. The plan is on. Going with a friend, probably next April....ya i know its far away but its Himalayas you see, not just a hill around the corner :) I talked to Mandar about how i want to go alone without him this time because i have kind of grown to be dependent on him unknowingly. I want to explore this on my own, struggle a little and that's exactly what i shared with him. In response to my proposal, this guy goes,  "you are not dependent on me as you do big things on your own, like your global travels. you depend on me to plan your trips within the town coz you don't have time for small things darling. go ahead, enjoy your trip". Such a sweetheart he is! Love this man to the core!

And my lovely sisi darling thought this would be just one more of those things on the bucket list and was pretty surprised to hear that i am actually planning it.  Many a times we just say things, we just wish, we just want! But things don't really happen unless we mean them and we DO something to make them happen. When i read the book about a girl traveling to Himalayas, it looked like a distant dream but now that i am actually investing time to find the right package to go next year, its totally a reality. This gap between "wishing" and "doing" is mostly psychological that twists & turns the perception of this distance. Its like how the time in our dreams stretches out of proportion, every minute feels like ages and once you come to senses, you are almost tired after the lonngg dreamy night. Once you are over this mental block mental distance block, transforming your wishes into reality is not a big deal anymore.

I am emphasizing and believing in this even more after meeting a friend recently who has quit his job in one of the top tier social media companies at the age of 45 to pursue his passion for writing, theater and much more. Having a plan is not the toughest part but giving up the huge salary and sticking to the plan, sure is! I admire him and his decision only gives me courage that plans are not just to be made, they are to be followed :) In one of the organizational workshops that i had taken years ago, they concluded me in 2 categories, "leader" and "doer". I don't know if both go well together :) but the second one is undoubtedly true. I take pride in being a "doer" and will continue to do so.

On a separate note...i have a similar plan...Retire at 40, write novels and open a book-cafe which will also have a small flower shop on the side. Oh and a few other things which i will keep for later, ciao :)

I was told i was dangerous! I asked why? They said "because you don't need anyone." That's when i smiled :)

All the compartments in my brain are almost blocked because there is just so much to take-in, so much to process and so much to deliver-out. And the time? Where is it? Its like the clock is ticking at a completely different pace which is faster, bolder and looking at me, almost teasing & tickling...asking me to keep up with its constant revolution. A few years ago Mandar started putting every little personal thing on the calendar and inviting me to the events (an event could be grocery shopping :P), i used to see his meeting invitations and smirk thinking to myself,  "really, a meeting invite between a husband and a wife, this guy really is one of a kind!" But now, its almost necessary as we cannot keep up with so much going around. Duhh, lets stop cribbing and start blogging now!

Saw a post from my bestie yesterday about leaving her kid with husband and just taking a day off  enjoying being a lone traveler. I went back in time and recalled the days when i have done the same.  The beauty and peace of traveling alone is unique. The learning, the exploring, the challenges, the reading, the coffee, the writing is an experience to cherish when you are with yourself.
There is so  much bandwidth to think, think deeper, think about things you adore and clear your mind. The positive and vibrant spirit of meeting random people, out of which some may just click and you may stay in touch for a lifetime whereas others may simply sip a coffee along and become a small part of your big story.

I have shared my deepest secret with the most random person knowing for sure that i may not see him again and it just doesn't matter. Its about being free, about liberating yourself from relationships, closed-ones, care, worry, stress and all those emotions that guard your boundaries.

Friends have asked me before if it is boring to travel alone....boring? No way! If i am honest, i have thoroughly enjoyed it, letting my hair loose, putting the worries off my chest, finding a way to get closer to my own soul, exploring my own depth, sucking in the freedom and redeeming myself from wherever i may have wandered because of all that we deal with, Every.Single.Day.

On that note, being inspired from the most recent books that i have read,  a new item has been added to my bucket list..."Going backpacking in the Himalayas, with a friend or alone".

Before signing off... I have been following this FB page, "peaceful warrior". A few new favorites for you to enjoy!

Ciao and happy happy Friday! Have a terrific weekend!

Infinite GB of memory to store memories :)

This strange part of a human body called brain, only has a certain capacity to store stuff that keeps happening over years. We remember what we see the most, we keep in touch with people that we work with, we hang out with friends who are most relevant to that particular phase of our lives. And what exactly happens to the rest of the stuff that we have dealt with for many years that kind of fades over time?

I have realized i don't say (i mean literally "utter") "Aai" (mom) or "Baba"(dad) enough these days. I have realized i don't call my uni friends as often. I have realized i haven't ate so many deep fried Indian favorites that i really loved at some point. No, i haven't changed!  I care enough about my parents but its the long distance and yes i have become more conscious about the calories but i still love those deep fried snacks :) but this brain has a certain logic of dragging you away from your past and pushing you into "today". I read a line on Facebook recently, "Your life is your story, Write well, Edit often". Hmm, Yes and No! If we decide to edit our story, i assume its positive but life is such that more often than not, it takes control of editing our stories. And a lot of times we give in because the brain has only so much capacity, the original story fades over time and the edited version becomes so much bolder.

Warning!!! i am digressing a little from what i am trying to convey but, but i promise i will take you there :)  When I am somewhere in the sky flying to some destination, one look out of the window and a few feet away suspended in the air, those cotton-like clusters of clouds seem so "Still". When I see more closely through a transparent cloudy white layer, miles away I spot the more familiar world of buildings, cars, roads which looks so so so tiny and I  almost forget about it for a few sky-hours. But these clusters don't look like they forget anything or for that matter they don't seem to remember anything in the first place. Unlike us humans and our brains!

Am i going absurd or verbose? :) Ok, let me tell you this and may be you can connect the dots.... I heard a song last night which brought some dearly memories back from when i was in college-I went back to my uni days-the place where i used to park my scooty-the tree that i used to pass on my way to the classroom-the small convenient store that played this one song-and this guy sitting there shyly looked at me, as far as i can remember-almost always blushing.... He wanted to flirt but he was too innocent to do so :) My brain had almost erased the memory of this person whom i have seen for so many consecutive months, a train of years at least :) This Sonu Nigam song-"Ab Mujhe Raat Din", whenever and wherever i have heard it, it has reminded me of this one guy bringing back the teenage memories.

Okkkkk, so the point is....the brain only stores a handful of memories...and many more are absorbed into things, smell, touch, feelings, moods, music, food, weather and much more. Whenever i go back to a song and it reminds me of someone or a smell that brings back old times or food that makes me miss my mum more, it always puts a smile on my face! I get extremely attached to such stuff and keep relating people to it, so obviously my memory stick is pretty huge and it stores a number of memories :)

Coz i am a dreamer and you are my dream :)

I was on a flight from Japan to Singapore a few weeks ago reading a very charming novel, "The cake shop in the garden" by Carole Matthews. A chick flick fiction loaded with a beautiful summer, scenes by the river and love blossoming between the main leads. On this seven hour flight with a rich entertainment system available, i chose not to watch movies but read this book and listen to some soothing music. And if you know me, you already know that i was listening to hindi-romantic-songs (by default).

I was engrossed in reading one of the scenes with my hundred percent attention on it. At the same time i was listening to "Sun saathiya maahiya, Barsa de ishqa ki syahiyaan (ABCD 2)", that too with an equal amount of attention and focus .....and i paused! Was just sitting there staring into nothing and a thought crossed my mind! I was swaying and blushing. I had a mellow smile lingering on my lips, passing a happy & gleeful vibe through my entire body. The thought that crossed my mind was actually a realization to self, "I am a hopeless romantic!" See what urban-dictionary says about us:

Hopeless Romantic: This person is in love with love.They believe in fairy tales and love.They're not to be confused as stalkers or creepy because that's not what a hopeless romantic is. All hopeless romantics are idealists, the sentimental dreamers, imaginative and fanciful when you get to know them.They make love look like an art form.

Its so true, i really am in love with love and i am a sentimental dreamer and i believe in fairy tales:) Love stories make me happy! i can read, i can listen, i can watch, i can narrate, i can act, i can dance, i can sing, to the tune of a love story!

Love, in any language sounds lovely! Blink and wink :)

The White Experience!

If you haven't visited Alberobello, which i think is quite likely as it is a tiny little place tucked somewhere far in the south of Italy, you really should make an effort to go and see this town. Its a pretty little town made up in white stone. Pure white houses with super clean roads as if no one has ever used these. With a population of just 11,000 people (mostly older generation), this is such a unique, calm and cute town. I can talk about it forever even though walking around the whole town just took half a day, No...few hours, No...4 hours, Umm...3 and 1/2 may be, Ya....3 and 1/2 hours :)

The European street lamps, the stony pavements, the little pizzerias, the Juliet balconies and a unique-cozy warmth in chilly weather (may be because i was wrapped up in Mandar's arms:P)! While walking around, i felt its unreal, as if its an ideal set for a movie, as if real people don't live here, they have been told to mingle around to look real, haha! Its that perfect, that picturesque! We walked around the Trulo houses,  kept rushing inside the coffee bars to gather some warmth, trailed around the "business district" which was just one beautiful lane full of tourist shops selling handmade crocheted winter-wear and clicked tons of pictures.

This unesco sight Alberobello, Bari is worth a longgg train ride to the very south of Italy. Please please visit this place, its heaven on earth! Oh and do take a book along, read it sitting on the bench in the piazza, grab a hot chocolate from the vending machine across the piazza, you wouldn't forget the name, its called - "Automatic shop"  ;)

Divertiti, Ciao!

Time is flyingggg....:)

How many times have you heard people saying "Really, it's been five years already?? Time is flying". But if we peep in and have a closer look at our memories, its not so "flying" after all. A sequence of chores that we follow day in day out connect us to people, things, places that we might not necessarily know or intentionally take notice of.

I was walking to the metro station this morning and was following my usual routine. Considering that I leave home around the same time everyday, people I see on my way to office are same too. The two aunties walking there dogs and sitting on there favorite bench gossiping about don't know what! I unmistakably see them every single morning. This guy with a funky hat, taking the trash out from the garbage chute in my condo, I consciously make an effort to look at him without wrinkling my nose at the sight of trash and saying a very good morning to him with a broad smile. His job is the toughest, taking out people's trash is no fun. A little further I walk , the "Bonjour" bread guy is always filling in fresh bread in the vending machine for the residents, he turns back and raises his eyebrows saying "have a good day"...without actually saying it :P ya, we kind of have an understanding :P. Grrr, the moment I step on the wet floor cleaned by a very old uncle in front of the post office, I curse myself but he is never cross, he always looks at me with a warm smile and I right away feel like volunteering to mop the floor with him. He is really old and my heart breaks to see him doing it in hot sun everyday.

As soon as i walk past the escalator in the mall on the way to the metro station, smell of the fresh toast and tea puts a grin on my face. No, i don't eat at this place but this fresh scent of a usual morning where people rush together to work, is a mix of toast & tea & their favorite body wash or perfumes & news papers & novels & smiles & stares & many more things! The day just kick starts with all these people you see on the trains & in the buses, doing hundred different things but consciously or unconsciously they become a part of your life. When you look back at your memories, they may be a little insignificant to sparkle on top of your head but they really are the ones who significantly contribute to your routine of 365 days. 

Life amuses me everyday, in one way or the other :)

Ciao!

Eyes closed+Long breaths+Mellow smile = Peace !!!

  I feel very different, briskly calm, enthusiastically peaceful !

As if i am lying flat on my back and floating effortlessly on the rippling waves, gazing at the stars in this blue-black-silent night, fully satisfied. I feel like smiling, a lot...to myself...and expressing some gratitude towards nature, god or a worldly power that created this wondrous & unusually strong bond between a mother and her child.

Too bad, i can't transmit my feelings to you, i can only write or say and the intensity of my thoughts that are ardent than ever right now,  may not be as strong by the time they reach you. I really am over and over and over the moon.

Ruhaan said "Mamma" today !! I just lost myself as "me" and found myself as his "mum" ! He kept on mumbling..."mamma mamma mamma mamma"...ohhh! I just don't know what else to write after this, i am so full of joy & tears and so majorly short of words, I am smitten by this little chocolate muffin. He makes me feel...Complete!

A day to mark, to remember, to cherish, 14th Jan 2016 !!