Wednesday, November 18, 2015

One look out of that window and the afternoon looks dull (in a good way), slow and holidayish! My white Christmas tree (a small one-12 inches may be) sparkling with blue ornaments is already out on the desk. It almost looks like a garden here, xmas tree, artificial flowers, a few real ones from my bday last week and 2 vases full of yellow and lavender orchids. Arghh! but a garden with papers, a phone and laptop :( I am smelling the holiday mood and that calls for a trip to the library to pick a Christmas novel. That's like a ritual every year! the rains as usual are making everything look misty, hazy, cloudy and this cold breeze is what i wait for, all year long.

Have been trying to cut down on coffee and tea recently but this certainly is the worst time to start. I should have let December pass by :( How to catch the essence of life without a hot coffee mug in the hand letting the steam & aroma warm your face? I wish we had a digital memory to capture moments, something that will let you be in that moment again. Life would have been sorted. Feel like drinking coffee? Click "play" and be in the moment :))

Ohhh, most importantly, i would record the whole bedtime routine that i do for Ruhaan, that is the most lovely time of the day when i smell the baby soap, baby powder and feel the soft touch of his chubby cheeks while he watches twinkle twinkle little stars and drinks his milk. And I? watch him, simply watch, just watch you know...and capture him in my eyes as much as i can! Aww, these tears, i can't see at the screen anymore, its even more misty...


Almost !!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

An empty auditorium, hundreds of chairs steady and waiting, a quiet stage, the spotlights pointing random directions, the wings on both sides watching each other! It  gives me goosebumps by just imagining the sight of an empty theater. I, right now feel as if i am standing in the middle of this place and peacefully looking at a quiet stage. I may just run up and start performing until i am bone-tired.

Being on stage is world's greatest joy for me, that exhilaration, that zeal is something i cannot put into words. That heavy feeling of happiness cannot be communicated, written or narrated. I use the word "heavy" because that's exactly how it is, my heart weighs more, my brain is completely engaged, my surrounding dissolves into a dramatic numbness and i am left with this halo around me. As if i am not listening, not spoiling the moment by talking, i am simply observing my breath that is equally heavy but full of liveliness and an indescribable joy. As if i want to breathe-in that happiness and never let it go.

It makes me realize how long its been since i was out there performing, letting those beams from the spot lights glow my skin- making my hair shine and subtly sweating my nose from the heat.  Its been ages since those gleaming lights on-stage and the dark cut outs of the audiences off-stage made me feel i belong here, on this very stage.

The one-month long "Actor Prepares" workshop that i am doing has shaken something inside me bringing me back to the world i love so much, i can almost die for it, i can almost leave everything behind and just walk along this way, i can almost gather courage to live my passion.

But this "almost" most certainly always interferes whenever i want to rebel, i want to go crazy, i want to follow my heart !!!