Friday, September 26, 2008

Ya right...sight is what i miss today. I was proud to have a perfect sight after 3 major eye surgeries done on my tini tiny Chinese looking eyes. They were still smaller at the time of my birth than they are now. Doctors tried their bit to open them to the fullest. I have had a bit of encounters with my friends on this point...they use to tease me...i felt embarrassed at times. It was all taken in a wrong way till a point when one person gave me a knew vision and a new way to look at the topic. Somebody had said, i like your "Eyes"...they seem dreamy to me...awaiting...promising...and that was the day when my inferiority complex went way far then i would have ever thought. I started believing in the tini minies and now that i had Mandy to date with, surprisingly he said the same thing...i like your "Eyes"...oh!!!!! So now, i was in the attitude like my eyes, good for you, you don't....who cares :)

But but but....once again, i am shattered...the proud feeling is smashed off...why???
what do you mean eyes need those idiotic pair of glasses now :(
Ya...why did i even go to that stupid FREE vision screening...Indians have a bad habbit...look at the word FREE and we will be right there...uff! The good looking young dashing doctor said...."your right eye is getting cant see 20/20"
Hell with you and your all time Ophthalmology. I was mad and i started rubbing my eyes so hard that it felt like the retina might detach at some point ;). I was cursing this beautiful young lady in my mind and i certainly asked "Mam, can we do a double check?". That was extremely foolish of me to ask such a question. Her mischievous smile was maliciously annoying, however, she agreed. I was struggling to see the blurry line, i pushed myself to look at the smallest letters on the board. I was frenzied by the maniacal insane manufacturer of that ambiguous board and its letters. The doctor was done with me and she asked me to skip to the next step and i thought ALAS! Its not the white board or the manufacturer...its your ambiguous vision dammit. You need SPECS.... :(( oh!

I returned to the lab and told my buddy about all that happened and he said "you are getting old"... :(. Mean people...but again, i am over it and have a smart pair of glasses now and it feels good to see the letters clearly again.

Hellen Keller quotes, "The most pathetic person in this world is someone who has a sight but has no vision" and vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others....So...i am safe!


Friday, September 12, 2008

Detachment is a good way of survival. Attachment binds you in feelings, memories, tears and bonds. Last night was a sleepless one out of the few. Yes...sleepless night is not my issue, i sleep tight in good and bad :), i was all happy in my cozy bed, ready to close my eyes with content.

I suddenly see myself in a mirror...trying to wipe my hair with a white towel after a long shower. This is the story with my eyes open and blinking, observing the movement of the ceiling fan in the dim-dark light of the night lamp. I was watching the fan moving and was striving to match my eyeballs with the rotating motion of the blades. For some reason,i was concentration was messing up with the flashing image of that mirror,the visible rusty spot at the right bottom corner of that mirror, my long wet hair, that typical white towel with maroon stripes on it and my mom asking me to come for the Sunday morning breakfast. The entire flash was a tableau of all my Sunday mornings at home with my parents, sister and grandparents.I made an effort to come out of the picturesque sense of my emotions and get back to the rotation. Nonetheless...the effort was in vain.

Here is a truthful saying in my native language, Marathi. "Lahaanpan dega deva"....
The three words signify and focus on the time of your life, "childhood". Its a golden time without the worries of income, budgets, jobs, earnings and much much more. I wish i can get back to that stage with my parents, enter back in their rules and regulation's world and take off the responsibilities off my shoulder.

Technically, i have my own full authority where i reside on my terms, my rules and my comfort. I have all the luxuries, a contemporary the one i always dreamed for, a colorful i always wanted, a magical anyone would love it to be, a small front yard....with bunch of flowers, a minimal see the beautiful sunset with a cup of tea, my own car in the parking space and a official caretaker...just for ME. Doesn't it sound like a dream come true? why not? However, the connubial bliss is not enough to call it a HOME. Its the years you have spent without any power, authority, judging, ordering or anything of this sort, with your nuclear family...the place to reside there with them is what i call HOME.

Many such things kept flashing during all these flying thoughts...being physically apart, i had a bitter feeling of getting unofficially evicted from my own house. No longer am i the core part of that nuclear family of four? Am i still intrinsically "Within" as the very essence of that core???