A victim of CCD !

Wednesday, October 31, 2018


 You might be familiar with OCD but are you aware of CCD? I am a victim of this syndrome. Classic Classroom Disorder. Well, its self-invented, so don't google it. The probability theory and statistics kick in on Day 3 of the leadership training program and it takes me 30 odd years back in time. My math-tuition, the fierce prof and all theories by Abacus, everything that was just somehow very distant and daunting. Yes, of course i am an engineer and Yes, i hate math. Well, you can just assume that i am a genius :P but to preserve my sanity i had to sit on the last bench and write poems. Duhh, I.Had.To. Some things never change.

Today we are learning about this "complexity" concept and i am wondering if human brain is the most complex machine on this planet earth? The way it keeps emerging, evolving, making assumptions and creating ambiguity for itself, the brain can lead you in so many directions, wrong and right. Thankfully there has been so much emphasis on positivity lately, you have probably heard this a zillion times that expectations are the root cause of problems. For quite some time now, i have been training myself to be free of this word....needed some serious effort but seems to be working now :) Understanding this whole complexity deeply, the entanglement of brain,  mind and body, i have realized that 'interpretations' are the real demons. They lead you to make judgements.

We are so drowned in our own world, we ignore the fact that people may have bigger things to do, they may have other priorities, difficulties, preferences. "Our world" revolves around ourselves but "The world" doesn't revolve around us, and most often than not we forget it and draw conclusions. We label it as "I know this Person, i know why he/she is doing this" but the fact is that, you would never know "a person" completely and you don't need to.

I like to keep it low-key, not everyone needs to know everything because this little space is "my space" that i don't share with anyone else. Sooooo, i may have an understanding of someone's behavior buttt i will just leave it at that. I will not invest myself in interpreting because that little space belongs to that person. Who am i to invade it?

Just let people be :)

Ahh, Mid-Week already, can't wait for Friday!

A movie buff that i am :)

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

I get in this zone of movie marathons atleast a couple of times every year. Last 2 weeks, despite being crazily busy at work, i have been finding that "me" time and "me&mandar" time to catch up on a few movies.

Life was easy peasy when i was a student, single & a student,  it was easy & beautiful in the dating phase, it was busy but beautiful as a married couple. In the middle of all these transitions, the one thing that never changed was my Friday-Movie-Night every single week, it just became a Friday-Movie-Date-Night at some point. And soon a teeny tiny cotton ball entered our lives- 360 degree change! Fridays came, said hello and left without any special attention. This is when i got into the habit of doing movie marathons, and trust me its therapeutic, especially when work doesn't let you breathe!

In the recent movie hunt, i came across 3 beautiful movies on Netflix, what a pleasure it is watching independent films, character actors and unusual plots. Please catch "Kuch Bheege Alfaz", "Once Again" and "Beyond the clouds" if you already haven't. All 3 movies carve the delicacy of human relationships and unfold the beauty of there bonds in different forms - be it 2 complete strangers or a blood relation between a brother & a sister.  They push aside the rotten opinions about rich & poor, religion, perceived beauty & social norms. They highlight characters who have gone through a dark struggle in the past but have found such beautiful people along the way who have shown them a different perspective of life. In KBA, the male & female lead connect over a radio station. In OA, Shefali Chaya & Neeraj Kabi create magic over the phone. BTC is a heart wrenching story that shows so many colors of a human being who can't be identified as good or bad, who can't be quoted as right or wrong.

Long story short, i have been trying to pen this down since Monday morning and have managed to put a full stop only over the weekend. Started scribbling while sitting on this beautiful bench that i say hello to on my way to office. Ufff! sometimes i wonder how much i personify non-living things. Deep down, i am a true introvert :) Thoughts, Things and Me time, love it all!

Ciao!

#Nora :) I owe her a post!

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

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#gulzar #dreams come true
Please pinch me, wake me up, I need a strong nudge!
Strong withdrawal symptoms post-performance (A classic - Henrik Ibsen's Doll's House) :P but so much satisfaction as well!

I have lived & breathed Nora day and night for the past 3 months. Her clothes, perfume, earrings, nose ring, sandals were put aside, in a small little section of Shalmalee's house. As soon as the clock ticked 6:30 every evening, i would step into Nora's stuff. Rehearsal time, perhaps the best time of the day!

She made me feel pretty and dainty, she also made me feel stupid and foolish. This woman had shades, she was a little crazy but a whole lot lovable. Her innocence and naivety was surprising to me in the beginning, as Shalmalee. I was standing around the fence and figuring her out for a long time, then i slowly stepped into her shoes. Her world was simple yet complicated. I had to poke my ego, my self-esteem, my feminist self to become Nora. I had to look at her husband through her eyes, who she loved so much but i as Shalmalee, didn't like Torvald. Bringing this woman close to realism was so challenging.

Fast forward to one month ago, I.Became.Nora. I didn't feel like wearing Shalmalee's stuff anymore, i was away from my real self. I was vulnerable, petite, feminine and 5 kgs lighter :)

Fast forward to last Thursday, we stepped into the Theater and the next 4 days were mesmerizing. Nowhere around the world will you find a place as sacred, as peaceful as Stage & a Theater. Everyday I went in as soon as the doors opened and sat in the empty space, alone. The light, the peace, the space and me. I played songs, i danced, i warmed up, alone...oblivious to the outside world.

On Friday, the audiences walked in...performance, applause, emotions and so much more over the next 3 days and 5 shows. Sharul Channa trusted me with this iconic role and how! She let me own the stage, my stage. Its not about the lead role at all, it's about being on stage, getting to perform for 90-long-minutes. Uff, PURE BLISS! Euphoria! A Dream!

GudiyaGhar and Nora are extremely special to me, for so many reasons. And just like that, its time to let go of her. Not sure how. Apparently there is a Process and an Exit plan in the professional actor's world but i just don't feel like putting Nora through a process right now. She will slowly fade, probably!

Thank You Universe, Thank You Sharul - for the learning, experience, grilling and your trust!
 For a start, this is an article that i read today! Hmm, interesting!

How Actors Create Emotions: A Problematic Psychology!


#passion #theaterlove #dreams

Are you Judging me? Blah, i don't care :)

Thursday, June 14, 2018

 Image result for i am busy working on my own grass


I haven't written here in more than a year, that's a pity. Acting has taken a front seat, writing/reading/watching movies/wasting time/sleeping, everything has been pushed aside...this is what happens when your first love comes in front and stands steady holding your hand, pulling you towards itself. My mind is elsewhere and everywhere, just wandering around. I want to make up for all those long lost years when i didn't get to be on stage. I have started enjoying my job which i probably never truly did, this happens when your heart is in the right place.

The theater scene in Singapore is not as straightforward. There is a certain amount of commercial flavor to it because someone has to run the show. There is certainly a lot of competition and in one way or the other, art seems to be 'sold' in certain scenarios. There is nothing unusual about it but i am so so so glad that i have reached above and beyond this. I am mentally not part of this competition, the selling doesn't affect me at all. I am so content with this opportunity of being exposed to this side of the world....in whatever way.... i have landed here, i am grateful to the universe.

I have learnt to look at a bigger picture, i have a changed perspective about relationships, i have my own understanding of the word "happy" and i have gathered wonderful friendships along the way.

Theater and artists around me have shown me a different life, i have learnt "how not to be Judgemental". Its simple, I am grounded,  I am happy!

Have a wonderful long weekend folks, Happy Ramadan!

Forward..Tap..Backward...Tap, 1-2-3 and 5-6-7.... :)

Friday, March 17, 2017


Its pitch dark and the window is open. The curtain keeps making waves of letter S in a certain rhythm. When the wave is moving through the upper part of S, it throws a little moonlight on my face and pushes me back into the darkness while it travels down. When the moonlight dares to break the darkness, my closed eyelids shiver but don't open. Occasionally my skin keeps feeling the smoothness of the sheets and my hair keeps tangling among itself while i keep rubbing my neck against the pillow. I am not dreaming yet because the sleep seems to be a bit far to reach right now. Naturally i am dreaming in a different way...as in how you dream when you are awake...as in I am thinking with my eyes closed.

I am thinking about a friend who had asked me to go Salsa with him, some 11 years ago. He asked me very casually and i said "ok", very casually as well. I was so naive that salsa was just a dance style for me. Without knowing what an intimate couple dance it is, i simply agreed to go with him. I embarrassed myself further by wearing a simple t-shirt and a capri with a pair of shoe that was more close to sneakers than casual flats. He looked at me and was stunned, "Well, you might need heels", he said. I looked at my shoes and said adamantly, "Umm... No, i am good!" With a great difficulty, he convinced me to borrow heels from his friend who was going with us. And this is how I went for my first ever salsa lesson with the most casual outfit in my wardrobe which was eventually matched with the most beautiful pair of heels that i had never owned until then.

Everyone in the room were wearing casual but beautiful dresses and not to forget, heels! I secretly thanked my friend for saving me from looking like an idiot in my sneakers in front of so many westerners. And we stood in a circle, salsa-ing to the count of 1-2-3 and 5-6-7. My dressing sense might be terrible but dance was never an issue. I was thrilled and thoroughly enjoying this new experience... until i kept moving forward in the circle, finally to face my friend. A terrible awkwardness struck me. Well, he wasn't really a childhood friend, this was truly a couple dance and i had just stepped into the US, freshly from India. He gave his hand and i had to hold it, looking into each others eyes, our fingers barely touching, 1-2-3 and 5-6-7, 1-2-3 and 5-6-7 and zuppp, a salsa turn. I was facing the next partner in the circle. The truth is, my heart wanted to turn back and go in a reverse circle. I kept looking at my friend while doing the salsa turns with others. He seemed pretty unaffected, unlike me, which hurt, just a little.

After the end of the lesson, me, my friend and his friend, we three sat in the car to drive back. The drive back home was not the same. I was not the same either. I decided what to wear for the next lesson before reaching home that night. I decided to go and buy prettier heels the next day. I promised myself to look in the mirror more often than not.

That night i never imagined that 11 years later, i would book 2 tickets for Salsa with the same guy and we would be a real couple doing this intimate couple dance, as Mr. and Mrs., as husband and wife. Now the wave is moving through upper part of S again, but its throwing sunlight on my face. Oh, looks like half way through, i actually fell asleep and started dreaming :)

'You don't fall in love, you only rise'... I kinda like that line, a lot :)

Wednesday, February 1, 2017



Image result for nikhil and riya ira trivedi

The colourful paperbacks in this store @ the Bangalore airport attracted me so much that I walked in tapping my fingers over the fresh and new stack of books, creatively selected fonts, wonderfully designed covers, dash of colors splashed within 5 × 7⅜ inches. So very attractive! Picked my pleasure for the next few days, it’s called..."Nikhil and Riya” by Ira Trivedi.

For some reason the synopsis pulled me in and I was almost impatient to start this book, I might have actually started reading even before paying at the cash counter. And boy, I have been literally flying like a light feather through this book since then because it talks so much about young love, teenage madness, and crazy school days. Ira writes passionately about that phase of life when nothing really matters…when you are such an insignificant part of this big world, it doesn’t matter which political party is leading the country, where is terrorism taking us, are women taking self-defence seriously yet …the phase of life that I left behind years ago. But it only takes an author like Ira Trivedi to hold your hand and subtlety pull you back in time without you even knowing. I have been giggling unknowingly to myself while reading this when the tele at home is on, the kid is running around and husband is talking to a friend on the phone. In the midst of all this, I am in a world of Riya and Nikhil’s residency school envisioned through Ira’s eyes. I kind of know how Riya’s house looks, in my head their classroom resembles mine and her running track is like the one I used to run on the NTU campus. I wonder how mysteriously our brains work; some imaginations are led by the author and others are deeply connected to your own past.

The way this Nikhil has fallen for Riya is adorable and fallen over what…a girl in her school uniform and a lightly tied ponytail uttering words, ‘Prem ma’am?’. Is there anything exotic about asking permission to enter the classroom? Not really but it’s the age and that feeling of having only a few things to worry about, even the slightest of the cute things grab your attention. Nikhil, brightest student in the class, a nerd wearing spectacles, would do anything for a glance of Riya because he can’t stand not seeing her every day and this girl, one carefree practical headstrong soul, least interested in Mathematics, whose life is all about her passion for running and breaking her own records. She doesn’t say much but whatever little she has said in the book does have a much bigger meaning, like ‘You don't fall in love, Specs, you only rise’ or ‘this day isn’t going to last forever Specs” and more. By the way, Specs (as in spectacles) is her name for the nerd Nikhil.

It’s an extremely light read, for many a little too common or ordinary probably. However, the essence of this book lies in the time leap it will take you through and play some older chords in your head. Don’t worry too much about the simple linguistic nature and a predictable plot of this book. A novel doesn’t always need a big twist as long as the author manages to cut through the stranger’s wall and make a place in the reader’s heart.