"Within"

Friday, September 12, 2008


Detachment is a good way of survival. Attachment binds you in feelings, memories, tears and bonds. Last night was a sleepless one out of the few. Yes...sleepless night is not my issue, i sleep tight in good and bad :)...so, i was all happy in my cozy bed, ready to close my eyes with content.

I suddenly see myself in a mirror...trying to wipe my hair with a white towel after a long shower. This is the story with my eyes open and blinking, observing the movement of the ceiling fan in the dim-dark light of the night lamp. I was watching the fan moving and was striving to match my eyeballs with the rotating motion of the blades. For some reason,i was distracted...my concentration was messing up with the flashing image of that mirror,the visible rusty spot at the right bottom corner of that mirror, my long wet hair, that typical white towel with maroon stripes on it and my mom asking me to come for the Sunday morning breakfast. The entire flash was a tableau of all my Sunday mornings at home with my parents, sister and grandparents.I made an effort to come out of the picturesque sense of my emotions and get back to the rotation. Nonetheless...the effort was in vain.

Here is a truthful saying in my native language, Marathi. "Lahaanpan dega deva"....
The three words signify and focus on the time of your life, "childhood". Its a golden time without the worries of income, budgets, jobs, earnings and much much more. I wish i can get back to that stage with my parents, enter back in their rules and regulation's world and take off the responsibilities off my shoulder.

Technically, i have my own house..now...with full authority where i reside on my terms, my rules and my comfort. I have all the luxuries, a contemporary furniture...like the one i always dreamed for, a colorful living....like i always wanted, a magical bedroom...like anyone would love it to be, a small front yard....with bunch of flowers, a minimal backyard.....to see the beautiful sunset with a cup of tea, my own car in the parking space and a official caretaker...just for ME. Doesn't it sound like a dream come true? why not? However, the connubial bliss is not enough to call it a HOME. Its the years you have spent without any power, authority, judging, ordering or anything of this sort, with your nuclear family...the place to reside there with them is what i call HOME.

Many such things kept flashing during all these flying thoughts...being physically apart, i had a bitter feeling of getting unofficially evicted from my own house. No longer am i the core part of that nuclear family of four? Am i still intrinsically "Within" as the very essence of that core???

2 comments:

Milind said...

What to say? its very good. The best part i always like about your writting is, the way you express the things in words, my god, gr8. Simply gr8. If you take this post, i couldnt relate it with or neither can comment on any of the facts but i liked it. You started it with the real(happened) things & you took it at different level.
If possible, try to read letters written by poet "Rayan Maria Rilke" to his friends. It will enrich your writting abilities.

Archana Gawde said...

good one indeed..