I was angry, agitated and stressed…with lot of things, small and big. I broke down !!!
For a last few days, I have wanted to get away, from what? I don’t know. I have been stayingpositive… very positive, looking around at lives that are really messed up, feeling blessed for what I have! But is staying positive always easy? I don’t think so! Yesterday a small thing triggered me and I burst into tears, many tears, lots of tears, lots & lots of tears!
After thinking for long about what made me cry so hard, I came to a conclusion. It’s not someone else who stresses me out, its “me” who expects too much of myself. Last night i got really tired of keeping myself on track, ordered, disciplined, organized…don’t misunderstand, I really like being organized, I cannot tolerate chaos but then endlessly asking yourself to do more and more and more can be exasperating. Its perturbing to be the “responsible” one always, at work-people don’t reply to emails on time & I end up reminding them, at home-I have to maintain the inventories, clean, cook & manage, relations-I have to call up to maintain them, birthdays-I have to remind my husband to wish his friends. Morning 5:30 am and i start to toss & turn in bed, push myself to wake up & run, evening 5:30 pm & I start planning dinner. 3 days without exercise and I am worried if I have gained weight. My husband’s distant relative is dead-and I have to remind him 500 times to make a condolence call . Make sure I call my in laws & check on them, make sure hubby calls his in laws. Friends decide to meet on a weekend, why am I the one to reach the venue first and wait? On my way to office why do I keep thinking if I left the heater on? Why no one else but me is bothered to turn the AC off before leaving the house? If you need something, I give it promptly, if I need something, why do I have to ask twice & thrice? Am I too careful and way too responsible, for once I want to get off track and just not be bothered. Determination is good but life can get very hard sometimes if you are too much bound by yourself!
Yesterday I think was a burst out of this i-don’t-want-to-be-bothered feeling! I was crying and rambling and blabbering until I was extremely tired, until I fell asleep to wake up to a new rising sun –
& instantly….I start thinking…. “today’s run=I have to do at least 9km”…… huh! Again???
Some things never change, you feel dull & churned & disturbed…. you cry and shake it off….and I guess move on with a new day!
For a last few days, I have wanted to get away, from what? I don’t know. I have been staying
After thinking for long about what made me cry so hard, I came to a conclusion. It’s not someone else who stresses me out, its “me” who expects too much of myself. Last night i got really tired of keeping myself on track, ordered, disciplined, organized…don’t misunderstand, I really like being organized, I cannot tolerate chaos but then endlessly asking yourself to do more and more and more can be exasperating. Its perturbing to be the “responsible” one always, at work-people don’t reply to emails on time & I end up reminding them, at home-I have to maintain the inventories, clean, cook & manage, relations-I have to call up to maintain them, birthdays-I have to remind my husband to wish his friends. Morning 5:30 am and i start to toss & turn in bed, push myself to wake up & run, evening 5:30 pm & I start planning dinner. 3 days without exercise and I am worried if I have gained weight. My husband’s distant relative is dead-and I have to remind him 500 times to make a condolence call . Make sure I call my in laws & check on them, make sure hubby calls his in laws. Friends decide to meet on a weekend, why am I the one to reach the venue first and wait? On my way to office why do I keep thinking if I left the heater on? Why no one else but me is bothered to turn the AC off before leaving the house? If you need something, I give it promptly, if I need something, why do I have to ask twice & thrice? Am I too careful and way too responsible, for once I want to get off track and just not be bothered. Determination is good but life can get very hard sometimes if you are too much bound by yourself!
Yesterday I think was a burst out of this i-don’t-want-to-be-bothered feeling! I was crying and rambling and blabbering until I was extremely tired, until I fell asleep to wake up to a new rising sun –
& instantly….I start thinking…. “today’s run=I have to do at least 9km”…… huh! Again???
Some things never change, you feel dull & churned & disturbed…. you cry and shake it off….and I guess move on with a new day!
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3 comments:
I think thats because you care too much, but then that's the way you are, and thats why we love you so :) get going and keep smiling..
Love n hugs, KG
dear... one thing I can do for you... I will never get angry if you "Ever forget my B'DAY'... :)
...for some time...stop thinking about anything else... but urself...
Ladki jayda soch mat sabh ke bares mein plzzz.... tension na le sabh theek ho jayega.. Enjoy kar :)
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