I keep on falling in love with him....

Yesterday i freaked out...My anger was red in color glowing my chubby cheeks... feelings came out upto the tip of my nose which was blowing with high intensity and long respiration cycles. I could hear my heartbeats going way fast with a rhythm of anger in themselves. Oh gosh! that was terrible....My behavior was horrible...rather saying "i didnt behave myself" would be more appropriate. It was all crushed on Mandar...my poor dear one...the explosion was pretty obvious but not intended at the moment and somehow i started with the damn old topic and went ahead talking and talking and talking. If i say i shouldn't have done this, it wont be an honest statement. To my knowledge, it was pretty definite to happen someday but i was not sure...when. Last evening was what it can be in itself...bundles of possessive words and loads of arrogant things..i could have cut it short to one sentence..."I need this and I wont tolerate that"...it would have been DONE...but i couldn't stop telling him my heart and blowing out my mind..i just went on.

He was the most cute fellow in this universe for that particular period of my cursing and weeping and talking aloud, shouting, yelling...shedding tears and he was the one who kept mum and continued the staring. Not even a word and he was softly caressing my reddish, pinkish cheeks with a mild smile on his cute face and he calmly uttered "u have turned RED"...his words made me feel like falling down 100 storey's
from a very tall building....my anger turned into a surprise...my cheeks were trying to calm down...my heartbeats kind of slowed down and were trying to resume there rhythm back....things were getting back to normal...he did nothing but changed my entire feeling into a different expression and i was actually not a loser coz i expressed myself to tell him I LOVE YOU and fell in love with him once again as i usually keep on... :)

The Moment...

I usually like doing things when i want to and why shouldn't i?
Its all about my choice and my belongings and my world...
It doesn't have a factor of thought much of the times. Mandy likes it other way...he is never ready to do things at wrong places, wrong timings and wrong ...whatever.
He is kind of...i need to behave, i need to think and i need to be polished.
I am rough in that sense...i can live with whatever i need to survive and the needs that i need for my survival are really few. It always happens that i can be quick with my morning routine, skip my breakfast if i am late, stay late at school if i want to or get outa here suddenly at 2:00 in the afternoon and go shopping...i skip my lunch if i am not in for going out in cold and can just have a pack of MAGGIE....i can eat something in the evening and just drink coffee at night and still have a sound sleep....yes, this all gives a single conclusion, I AM FLEXIBLE....flexible for anything...i can say "thats fine".

This attitude of mine hurts me sometimes. As i said before i do whatever i want to and whenever i need to...i call my hubby in his office, during work hours, when he is in a meeting or may be having lunch with his colleagues...and i drive him nuts by offering a cell phone kiss...isn't it crazy...yes..it is....and yes i am crazy but i couldn't help being one. Its that moment for which i live, and i take my soul out to tell him the lil truth that there are so many lovable things in this world and i adore them but inspite of the millions of them being out there...its just you that makes me feel heaven around and i love you to death ...thats the reason i want you to feel that moment when i offer you an abstract kiss....which is not real but still it means as my small lil world for me....

I understand it doesn't sound practical but i love you darling :)

Exam..

Oh...i messed up big time today. It is usually bad to pick up something and just irrationaly kick it off in the student's exam paper. Instructors should try not to do this ....my honest opinion and suggestion ;) or was it me who messed it up? Honestly speaking, NO...not this time coz i studied a whole lot...had this big time sucking derivation on the tip of my tongue and had it been a question to derive it by God's grace, i would have used all the A4 size ones that i had. I swear, i was too good at that...unfortunately my professor kept the equation in front of me and expected to solve a problem out of it. His question was the most senseless question i had ever read. Come on man...let me atleast blame him for pulling down my entire knowledge about my all time enemies, integration and derivatives. Ya, i use to genuinely hate both these topics and never had a GOOD luck with them. Well, i never flunked in math even though i was not good at it. Somehow i managed to keep up the nominal score in numerical problems and do my all the very best at theory. Ya, theory is my part of the deal...i can write to eternity. Give me a topic and i can create something even if i am not fond of it, i am not very sure about it or sometimes i dont even know it. I used to fill papers from top to bottom in my engineering exams and i think i topped in my college due to the long lasting supplements ;)

Alas!today was not my day...not a very good start at 9 o clock and i saw this
OH MY GOD question paper on my desk.

Terrifying it can be at TIMES
A special morning and blank LINES
No matter how much you mingle with numbers
No friends you can be with NINES

Ya.....thats my short lil story today. I cant be friends with numericals... :(
I try them hard damn it...never mind though...

Desire....

A chunk of things to do and bundle of desires to complete. Desire is something you never want to give up on...but you have to sometimes. Practical world deals with technology, research, work places, discussions, meetings, timings and lot more things which seem to organize life in a way or so. What organization can you imply and apply to your daily needs if you don't have the desire to?
If i say i don't like to work round the clock on the stuff that i am doing, you might interpret me in a wrong way. You might start thinking that i am a girl with less capabilities, few abilities, lots and lots of laziness pouring out, not a work freak or what Americans call it as a workaholic....I don't care what you think but i feel the need to explain how am i suffocated throughout my life in getting a good education , building an excellent career, being just more than perfect on the time frame of my one time life....i feel disgusted at this point when i think that i have achieved tons of things which don't belong to me or i can put it in a better way saying "i don't belong to them".
Why is it always that you have to flow with the stream...why cant the stream take your turn and flow according to you? Those were the people who first made the water take this direction and we are the idiots following them and spending our entire lives preserving there way. Why do i care for such a stranger who made this unknown path for me and why do i have to follow it?
I ask myself then....hey GIRL, do you even have your own way to start with, do you even have the guts to go along your own path? Frankly, I don't know....but yes, i know the things i am good at....may be few, i have some strong points and i remember the moments when i saw this Amir khan film..."Taare Zameen Par"....what an excellent creation! Ya.... that was the day when i recognized my suffocated soul far more better. I tried helping myself with the one and only truth..."Every Child is Special". Yes it is....it is the truth....it is the blessing ....it is the feeling that i should have got years ago and i would have at least given a thought for a different career.
Ya....you don't want to be in the merit lists, don't want to be the toppers, ranker's to prove your brightness...believe me...you don't want to be good at numbers to be sharp.

Well, i don't want to be a philosopher or something but just wanted to open up today. Here i end up with my very first blog.... My frustration continues....i am taking off now....Got to go!