Time for a B.R.E.A.K :)

Perfect!

After a long and tiring week, i gave up on working out this Friday. Left work early, cold shower, straight in bed with a mug and laptop. Lying in there all evening i surfed---half asleep. Caught up with an old and a distant friend, chatted for longgg...had a non-specific dinner---still half asleep. A little gmail, a little facebook, a little whatsapp, half finished-full buffered-movie, a dim light---almost asleep. Some 2:30 am, the dim light still on, movie finished...i think and 196 new messages on whatsapp---slept. Some 7:15 am, and here comes the Saturday-ahh!

Entire house to myself, hubby overseas, beautiful morning and NO specific agenda for the coming day! Hot tea, toast and rerun of the finished but unwatched movie. Eggs, more tea and 226 new whatsapp messages :) Emails, friends, chats, laptop and nothing more. Hindi movie in the afternoon "london, paris, newyork"...a cute movie really! Half of the Saturday is gone, an ambitious plan for a long run this evening and may be some cycling tomorrow. A book will do for rest of the evening and then back to bed.

"ME time", i think everyone should take some time off once in a while...i love doing it, not rushing, sitting by myself and moreover not doing anything specific, a breather for yourself, relaxing and refreshing, isn't it?

I don't give a S*** about it....hmm,really?

I was angry, agitated and stressed…with lot of things, small and big. I broke down !!!
For a last few days, I have wanted to get away, from what? I don’t know. I have been staying positive… very positive, looking around at lives that are really messed up, feeling blessed for what I have! But is staying positive always easy? I don’t think so! Yesterday a small thing triggered me and I burst into tears, many tears, lots of tears, lots & lots of tears!

After thinking for long about what made me cry so hard, I came to a conclusion. It’s not someone else who stresses me out, its “me”  who expects too much of myself. Last night i got really tired of keeping myself on track, ordered, disciplined, organized…don’t misunderstand, I really like being organized, I cannot tolerate chaos but then endlessly asking yourself to do more and more and more can be exasperating. Its perturbing to be the “responsible” one always, at work-people don’t reply to emails on time & I end up reminding them, at home-I have to maintain the inventories, clean, cook & manage, relations-I have to call up to maintain them, birthdays-I have to remind my husband to wish his friends. Morning 5:30 am and i start to toss & turn in bed, push myself to wake up & run, evening 5:30 pm & I start planning dinner. 3 days without exercise and I am worried if I have gained weight. My husband’s distant relative is dead-and I have to remind him 500 times to make a condolence call . Make sure I call my in laws & check on them, make sure hubby calls his in laws. Friends decide to meet on a weekend, why am I the one to reach the venue first and wait? On my way to office why do I keep thinking if I left the heater on? Why no one else but me is bothered to turn the AC off before leaving the house? If you need something, I give it promptly, if I need something, why do I have to ask twice & thrice? Am I too careful and way too responsible, for once I want to get off track and just not be bothered.  Determination is good but life can get very hard sometimes if you are too much bound by yourself!

Yesterday I think was a burst out of this i-don’t-want-to-be-bothered feeling! I was crying and rambling and blabbering until I was extremely tired, until I fell asleep to wake up to a new rising sun –
& instantly….I start thinking…. “today’s run=I have to do at least 9km”…… huh! Again???

Some things never change, you feel dull & churned & disturbed…. you cry and shake it off….and I guess move on with a new day!