Zenned Out :)

Saturday, August 17, 2019

Honestly, I am not sure how to pen down this feeling. Is there a way to elaborate on how you can be overwhelmed and numb at the same time? When you have a mesh of thoughts weaving inside but then you feel absolutely isolated from your own self? When you are executing everything with utmost urgency but the world around seems kind of paused? A weird and unique state of mind. Past few days seem somewhat like this, I am just going with the flow. One full length stage play  & a movie screening within a short span of a week has given me an absurd high. And even before that settles, i flew miles away from Singapore to this mesmerizing mountains of Alaska. My state of mind has only gone more absurd with the serenity of nature, the raw & pure side of life that people experience here, the vastness of these mountains & the entire wilderness experience.

While my original life continues with $$ targets, business strategies & late night telcos, theatre & travel has helped me find my soul.  This practical life has blended well with my dream world and it almost feels illusory. I have stood in front of the altar quite often recently, asking god, what did I do right ? 

God to me is a talking medium. Please don’t ask if I am religious coz I am not sure. I have been worshiping god like I had been asked to, for years but now, I just stand and talk to this universal energy. I cry, I thank and I resonate. If that counts anything as being religious, then i may be on the right track. Plus, the boundary between right and wrong is extremely blur, so I have made a choice to be carefree. This has raised a ton of judgements but again, do I care?

While being in this zen mode, I have realized how important it is to be grounded when you are a part of this entertainment industry. Your hard work and determination truly defines the quality of your work. You may inherit acting but focusing on the learning of every production and applying (or de-applying) it to the next act is an ideal way to enhance your craft. I have made a conscious effort to take the audience's reactions neutrally, both positive and negative. My own satisfaction post performance is my biggest measure, also the constant self correction has created enormous positive ripples. What I wear & how I look on stage are of course least of my concerns but what is my 'Act' like and how authentically am I representing 'A Character' with every inch of my body is the only thing I am & I should be bothered about. And since it's all about what I am doing, an inside-out approach, there is no room for insecurity, jealousy, competition and negative energy :)

This phase is beautiful, full of gratitude for the opportunities thrown at me by the universe and humongous satisfaction that I didn’t give up on my passion....because there is no Right Time! 

For now, Enjoy these drives through the kenai fjords national park with me :)

The smell of freedom :)

Sunday, March 10, 2019

The night is young and starry. Its also quiet and peaceful. It doesn't involve work, stress and people. Yes, it is filled with thoughts but it's mesmerizing. I want to exploit this night, take full advantage of her. Hence, my two new found pleasures, one is driving alone on the streets of Singapore with the windows down, listening to unplugged versions of old songs. The other is showing up at movie theaters on weekday nights and watching movies by myself after putting kiddo to bed. It's my time to go in a trance and just be.

This time with thoughts has gotten me closer to realizations and reality. I have seen a shift in myself in the last three years, not sure what exactly triggered it but i have allowed myself to face many such realities that i had either buried under the pillow or was completely unaware of. One step at a time, i have become more honest to myself. I have stopped denying my weaknesses, i have stopped pretending & making an effort to fit-in. Oh and i don't think about my bucket list , my 'old' bucket list anymore. 'My old bucket list'.... which was almost always somebody else's....because i never really put a thought into what i wanted.... i guess.... :)

Well, today when i sit here writing and staring into this beautiful darkness, i have a very indifferent mindset towards this big wide world. It's a massive feeling of liberation because how this world looks back at me is something i have stopped caring about. I feel light. The judgements don't affect me and i am not doing a damn thing to please anyone. The only rule i follow these days is, literally, 'Follow Your Heart' and this could be as simple as waking up at 12 in the night, grabbing a breezer from the fridge and going for a solo walk in random alleys. It could be as impulsive as cutting your lambe ghane baal (long thick hair) so short that you suddenly resemble army-men.

Is this how freedom smells like? This refreshing earthy smell, very similar to the Petrichor...it surrounds me.

Yes, Meditation in Coimbatore @ Sadhguru's ashram and Himalayas trek are absolutely on the agenda. When? Hopefully soon!

And very coincidentally, i came across this quote just now :)

For now, you can enjoy my fav top 10 unplugged songs...