Untangle and set yourself free :)

It's funny how we packed our bags and migrated from the US to Singapore in 2010 and 12 years later, here we have landed back in California. What moved us around? Well, opportunities and zeal I must say! 

I stayed with my parents for 21 years of my life, in one house, one city and one country. Since then, I have moved 16 houses, and never once regretted or gotten tired of it. New place means new energy, newer experiences. In ONE life that we have, why not collect as many experiences and vibe on as many energies as we can? Yes, there is uncertainty, there is anxiety, there are struggles but we are born to survive, so, we WILL survive and make the best out of anything - if we put our hearts to it.   

I completed one month in my new role today, haven't had enough brain space being alone here and dealing with...."stuff", but I survived! On 4 Friday evenings, it has hit me that I don't have a single friend in this city yet and neither do I have the time to look for one right now. Despite all that, I have promised myself to make the most of this "single" time that I haven't had in many years. With work and passion (as you know), the last 8 years in Singapore have meant a LOT of running around. So this slow down (being busy in a different way) is kind of gratifying. Very surprisingly, I haven't been emotional about leaving the place. Of course, the special ties and bonds that I made over the years are irreversible and irreplaceable but I have felt peaceful about the move (especially versus this in 2010).

May be your girl has matured, she has learnt to accept better with age, she has become richer with experiences or she has finally understood how to NOT look back and keep moving forward. Preaching and Practicing living in the moment for a while now and looks like it's working bruh!

My life right now becomes truly "alive" when Singapore wakes up after 4pm LA time but I know this will fade in a few months too, so might as well enjoy it while it's here.
#notentangled #notconfused #clarity #accept #stayordon'tstay #behappy

Welcome to SoCal yo!

To a milestone trip, in many ways :)

Just got back from a crazy 8 day trip to nature’s wonderland, Meghalaya (literal meaning, Megh = clouds, Alay = House, Abode of clouds :)). 

I have not gotten to much of writing in a while but this trip makes me want to write something, after a very long time. Lots of emotions, lot of bliss and a lot of gratitude. Have been trying to sum it up in words but mind has been running wild in all directions, brain seems to be pretty numb and the heart is full of nature’s wonders. The clear skies, the chill, the morning sun in its purest form and the vibe of beautiful people around, what’s not to love? People, bonds, connections are all real but also rare. These things are momentary and they take there own course of time to happen, if at all it happens, but the Meghalaya diaries mark this milestone. 

Four school friends, their partners and the making of newer bonds of the younger generation - all in sync. Our talented bunch with a varied skillset - an instagrammer, a bar tender, a food ordering expert, an adventurous soul, a drinking monster, dancers, singers, an entertainer, a DJ, a trip planner and a women with an umbrella who is always ready for all weather conditions! I wonder what did we NOT do in this trip with so much talent around? 

Literally cuddled and huddled together for 8 days (and nights), hardly staying in our own rooms! From the morning coffee to the last tequila shot of the day, we were in it together. Breath taking mountain views and these crazy folks, phew - a high in itself! We laughed, drank, rolled on the floor, danced on the bed, had deeper conversations, drove around in cars with loud music, floated through the river in silence, jumped in freezing cold water at drop of a hat, swung on the zip line closer to the sky, trekked through a valley of 8000 stairs closer to the earth, got emotional, had a stunning windy night by the riverside around the bonfire, played cards like gamblers, did bottle flips with kids, tried our skills at chess, pool, foosball, carom boards, uno, table tennis, jenga, cricket and badminton. We watched the crescent moon together with our own flavour of amateurish bad singing. We made reels, reels and reels, with and without the dancers in the group. Forget about the outcome, the practice sessions were to die for, hilarious and how !

While getting through these mesmerising, smoky, foggy 8 days, I haven’t checked my emails, I haven’t spoken to mum, I haven’t looked at my calendar, which is pretty unrealistic by my usual standards. The purpose is to let go, let be, soak yourself completely in the mood, vibe and the gang. I feel light, rejuvenated and extremely satisfied. I am carrying this peace with me in 2023, toasting to this amazing bunch, cheers mate(s)!

Do you enjoy your own company?

It's quite unbelievable how fast the year has ended up in it's last quarter. The sales targets are in a slightly better shape than YTD 2020, so that's a positive sign. Rest...is just moving. My no-travel blues are at an all time high!

4 weeks ago, seated in my living room, clearing the last of my emails around 7pm in the evening, i paused. Glanced at the house, the balcony, the swing, the lights, the cushions and thought to myself that this is all that i have been seeing for the past 2 years. The same balcony, the same swing and the same cushions. One thought, one clear thought that stood in front - "My mind & brain needs a reset. I can't go on a business trip, i can't go on a solo trek, i sure can go on a solos stay-ca within the city!" In the next 15 min, i was packing. I have to admit that it was a totally exaggerated bag pack (just for the feels :P).

I stayed in the heart of the city, i took work calls from the room and random restaurants, i did plenty of cafe hopping for many cups of coffee and glasses of wine, walked through the city for the entire 2 days with my favorite tunes playing in my ears. You won't believe how very different the same city looks when you aren't rushing. Netflix's Black Mirror was totally binge worthy, running a quiet bath without a "mamma" knock on the door was peaceful and not planning meals for the family was just huhhhhh! Except for a few work calls and one rehearsal commitment, i allowed myself a detox from everything and everyone. Even those who i talk to everyday - my mum, my sister, my son and dear husband.

I respect him so much for how unusually he reacts in such situations. The moment i told him i am staycaing and i will be on mute for the next 2 days, he gave me a smile :) He didn't send a single message until i came back, neither did he ask me which hotel i had booked. That's him, that's trust!

I will emphasize this - if you are comfortable in your own company, you are a happy person. You are secure, you are enough ! So please take a break, detox, do some self care every once in a while, be with yourself !

Fat to Fit-A very clichéd title but an honest one :)

Your intentions and the world's perception is almost always contradictory, funny eh? That’s why I never interpret. Why waste time in making assumptions :) ? I received a few comments recently on my Instagram/facebook workout posts and it's quite interesting to see different perspectives from different people on such content. Not surprising at all that the intention and perception is poles apart. As a co-incidence enough, I watched this amazon prime movie -"Brittany runs a marathon" recently and it triggered this post.

 

The movie is about this overweight girl Brittany who has low self-discipline, low self-esteem, loves to eat, hates exercising and is constantly bashed by the society on her way of living life. It shows how Brittany makes life changing decisions, which has very little to do with 'thin' and a lot more to do with 'fit'. Her struggle is real, her depression is real, her doubting her own self is real. I know this for a fact because I have gone through it myself.

 

As a child I never had a skinny bone, I don’t have it now and never will but that’s least of my concerns after coming this far. It definitely had become a concern at some point in my life and I didn’t know what to do about my stubborn genes,  my low metabolic rate and my unhealthy lifestyle. In 2008 I was pushed to run a 5K relay race because the team couldn’t find a 4th person. I said yes but regretted my decision instantly. I couldn’t run 500m at a stretch then. The practice sessions sucked, the actual race day sucked as well. My partner waited for me eagerly to take the last leg of 7km to the finish line. I let my team down massively and swore to never attempt running again!

 

In 2010, I saw a ~70 year old aunty sprinting while I was walking to the canteen to have my lunch. She was behind me, she slowly came forward, looked at me, crossed me, smiled at me, moved forward and disappeared in a few seconds. I felt embarrassed of the little fitness routine that I had followed in all those past years. That day I dropped my urge to go for fad diets, to make short term changes. I made peace with the fact that I will never look THIN and that’s not the right goal to have. I decided to up my fitness game and register for a 10K race. As the universe wanted it, 10K slots were all taken up. My husband encouraged me to register for a 21K and stop at 10K. He promised to drive me to Mcdonalds after the 10K mark and I took his lead. Again, as the universe wanted it, he had to pick me at the 21K mark because I walked, jogged, ran and somehow finished the race :)

 

I dared more, I completed a couple more half marathons and finally a full 42.195km in 2013. My training, be it running, HIIT, walking, climbing hasn’t stopped since 2011 but I don’t look as fit as a person who has been working out for so many years consistently. It doesn’t matter. What matters is I keep taking new challenges and making it interesting, so that I don’t fall in the gap.

My newest attempt to pushing myself further is working out with a personal trainer. You might have seen some sneak peaks on socials. By putting these out there, I wouldn’t even dare to show off, rather, I make myself accountable to the progress. It keeps me motivated, it keeps me going. So thank YOU. In turn I might inspire someone, in turn I can show you how much I struggle every day to stay fit. Your pat on my back is my motivation for the next day. Thanks for not letting me fall into the gap :)

 

https://www.instagram.com/shalmaleev/?hl=en

 PC: Running Shots by Marcus, Standard Chartered Marathon 2013

Status Quo!

It's been a very unusual start to the year. Of course, just like you it's largely related to the global crisis but not limited to it. My emotional roller coaster has been in operation since end of December, right after the Himalayan trek. It pulled me out of normal and put me into an imaginary world. I dwelt there for quite some time and before i could step down into my normal, nature has pulled us all into something very very abnormal. We might have underestimated the gravity of this storm but before we could understand it, it's been labeled as a Pandemic.

This pandemic has surely dug a deeper hole into the global economy but it has also brought us back to basics. Nature in its own way is giving us a massive opportunity to stop running and is genuinely asking us to hit that pause button. Employers who ideally have immense power on 8am to 5pm part of our lives, have been requesting us to not come to work. Idealists who promote the human connection and curse technology otherwise, are pushing everyone to stay socially distant. Everyone suddenly seems to have a very strong family connection and kids are getting a lot of undivided attention from their parents. Long lost school friends, college buddies are getting in touch on Zoom. A lot of us have started thinking about our hobbies. Reading has become a hot weekend activity and for once all the lazy bums have a valid reason to not go to the gym :)

A few years ago when i watched Will Smith's "I am Legend", i vividly remember an uneasy feeling surrounded me, I was suffocated by the feeling of last man surviving on earth and thought, why would the makers invest in such depressing unrealistic bullshit and dare call that 'futuristic'? Today, i relate to the ghost town that was well captured in this film. On that note, what will happen in 2030? Yes, of course we will be 10 years older but we will also be looking back and talking to the younger generation about COVID 2020 and the national lock downs. Just like how the older generations spoke to us about India-Pakistan partition, about the historical events that we didn't get to be a part of, fortunately or unfortunately.

Well, Fortunately or Unfortunately is how you want to look at it. We are here. We are going through this. COVID is happening. There is no running away from this global calamity. What can we do? We can actually do a lot. We can look at the big picture. We can stay sane. We can focus on the hygiene and look after ourselves. Right now, we can 'do' a lot by 'doing' the least.

Stay put and be positive about this slow down. Positivity is infectious as much as COVID is. Your positivity will promote a strong mental health around you. Don't crib about staying home, applaud the people who are taking a stronger hit and stay together in this inescapable adventure that you are a part of.

Help them by doing the least, Status Quo!

 

“Popularity is a bubble. It’s a mountain, you can go up really hard but walk down really fast.” – RM ;)

I was chilling by the pool, reading a book this Saturday and this condo-friend of mine met me after a long time. We got chatting and she suddenly said, "why aren't you writing? I love reading your blogs, please write more." Hmm, quite a pleasant surprise and that's how the 1st post for 2020 takes birth :)

Frankly, I don’t know why I have been away from this blog. Yes, I have been on my toes in 2019 but my usual urge for writing is such that, when it's up, it's up! May be I have learnt to express more, talk more and be open about myself. Writing, in a way is a one-sided medium of communication. You think, you write, you feel better, serves people like me who are not into small talk business :P

Well, I am taking a short break from theatre since December and am not sure how long I want it to be this way. Kindly Note that NOT going for auditions is not easy for me :PP but but but I have decided to tap into some serious self-care. Phew!

If you have been following my blog, you know that I was aiming for a Himalayan trek since 2016. Here, remember this post? http://mysoul111.blogspot.com/2016/06/i-was-told-i-was-dangerousi-asked-why.html It just didn’t happen because I couldn’t let go off theatre productions that came in the way. Yes, you do become greedy, don’t you? But…it was time to get away. I decided to go with 22 strangers because I truly wanted to 'get away'. Unquestionably I slid my phone in the bag the day we reached Haridwar, didn’t bother to take it out for most of the trek and boy wasn’t that some seriously needed peace? hell ya!

On the second evening of the trek, my feet sunk deep in the fluffy white snow while we were all watching the sun setting in its most radiant shade of orange. The sky was on fire! I picked a faraway spot to be with the bunch yet away from the crowd. The peaks of these mountain ranges looked like a colourful dream, grey, white and an orange dream, a dream that was far from my everyday-world yet so near to me in that one moment. There was an incredible amount of peace in the air, the cold air which was hard to breathe in but extremely satisfying at the same time. I teared up instantly, absorbed in this one peak that looked ridiculously beautiful, and the hot round solid orange ball behind this peak was beyond belief. I was frozen, not because of the cold outside but the emotions within. I am not sure what I felt, except for the tears that kept rolling down my cheeks! The trek leader came closer and whispered, "its ok, hota hai" (its ok, happens :)). He gave me a hug and I blurted "the year has been extremely hectic. I don’t know what have I done right to deserve and experience this heaven". He tapped on my back, "Aww, you are making me emo now, enough" and we laughed it out with a pahadi dance that he taught me. And that was that, that moment!

7 days were full of such moments with either fellow trekkers or with myself. The pictures that were taken by some awesome photography enthusiast on the way went on social media after coming back. The amount of people who came to me and said, "wow girl, I want to do it one day" or "amazing, I will come with you next time" or "I saw it all through your eyes" and more, was quite surprising. Why? Because this is not a usual bunch who I know love trekking or are into fitness. These are people who were inspired by the beautiful mountains and had a passing thought of actually doing it! And I am so glad that I brought it one step closer to them. To all those, I will say one thing, Go, Do it! Don’t procrastinate, Just bloody do it :)

Zenned Out :)

Honestly, I am not sure how to pen down this feeling. Is there a way to elaborate on how you can be overwhelmed and numb at the same time? When you have a mesh of thoughts weaving inside but then you feel absolutely isolated from your own self? When you are executing everything with utmost urgency but the world around seems kind of paused? A weird and unique state of mind. Past few days seem somewhat like this, I am just going with the flow. One full length stage play  & a movie screening within a short span of a week has given me an absurd high. And even before that settles, i flew miles away from Singapore to this mesmerizing mountains of Alaska. My state of mind has only gone more absurd with the serenity of nature, the raw & pure side of life that people experience here, the vastness of these mountains & the entire wilderness experience.

While my original life continues with $$ targets, business strategies & late night telcos, theatre & travel has helped me find my soul.  This practical life has blended well with my dream world and it almost feels illusory. I have stood in front of the altar quite often recently, asking god, what did I do right ? 

God to me is a talking medium. Please don’t ask if I am religious coz I am not sure. I have been worshiping god like I had been asked to, for years but now, I just stand and talk to this universal energy. I cry, I thank and I resonate. If that counts anything as being religious, then i may be on the right track. Plus, the boundary between right and wrong is extremely blur, so I have made a choice to be carefree. This has raised a ton of judgements but again, do I care?

While being in this zen mode, I have realized how important it is to be grounded when you are a part of this entertainment industry. Your hard work and determination truly defines the quality of your work. You may inherit acting but focusing on the learning of every production and applying (or de-applying) it to the next act is an ideal way to enhance your craft. I have made a conscious effort to take the audience's reactions neutrally, both positive and negative. My own satisfaction post performance is my biggest measure, also the constant self correction has created enormous positive ripples. What I wear & how I look on stage are of course least of my concerns but what is my 'Act' like and how authentically am I representing 'A Character' with every inch of my body is the only thing I am & I should be bothered about. And since it's all about what I am doing, an inside-out approach, there is no room for insecurity, jealousy, competition and negative energy :)

This phase is beautiful, full of gratitude for the opportunities thrown at me by the universe and humongous satisfaction that I didn’t give up on my passion....because there is no Right Time! 

For now, Enjoy these drives through the kenai fjords national park with me :)

The smell of freedom :)

The night is young and starry. Its also quiet and peaceful. It doesn't involve work, stress and people. Yes, it is filled with thoughts but it's mesmerizing. I want to exploit this night, take full advantage of her. Hence, my two new found pleasures, one is driving alone on the streets of Singapore with the windows down, listening to unplugged versions of old songs. The other is showing up at movie theaters on weekday nights and watching movies by myself after putting kiddo to bed. It's my time to go in a trance and just be.

This time with thoughts has gotten me closer to realizations and reality. I have seen a shift in myself in the last three years, not sure what exactly triggered it but i have allowed myself to face many such realities that i had either buried under the pillow or was completely unaware of. One step at a time, i have become more honest to myself. I have stopped denying my weaknesses, i have stopped pretending & making an effort to fit-in. Oh and i don't think about my bucket list , my 'old' bucket list anymore. 'My old bucket list'.... which was almost always somebody else's....because i never really put a thought into what i wanted.... i guess.... :)

Well, today when i sit here writing and staring into this beautiful darkness, i have a very indifferent mindset towards this big wide world. It's a massive feeling of liberation because how this world looks back at me is something i have stopped caring about. I feel light. The judgements don't affect me and i am not doing a damn thing to please anyone. The only rule i follow these days is, literally, 'Follow Your Heart' and this could be as simple as waking up at 12 in the night, grabbing a breezer from the fridge and going for a solo walk in random alleys. It could be as impulsive as cutting your lambe ghane baal (long thick hair) so short that you suddenly resemble army-men.

Is this how freedom smells like? This refreshing earthy smell, very similar to the Petrichor...it surrounds me.

Yes, Meditation in Coimbatore @ Sadhguru's ashram and Himalayas trek are absolutely on the agenda. When? Hopefully soon!

And very coincidentally, i came across this quote just now :)


For now, you can enjoy my fav top 10 unplugged songs...